• Life's What You Make It
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In Via – On The Way

  • Peace

    Nov 16th, 2022

    I heard some people ask why we
    Wish peace to the dead
    When we maybe should wish and work
    For peace for the living instead

    But I worry that peace doesn’t just happen
    One has to work for it (and quite hard!)
    And it’s only privilege of the dead
    To give some rest to their guard

    It’s almost as if our minds were constantly
    Assessing if we should fight or flight
    And even if some things look favorable
    We focus on those that don’t seem right

    So we push ourselves out of comfort zone
    In the pursuit of happiness
    Never really realising that instead of wanting more
    We could just maybe accept less

    Do. Grow. Improve. Change. Increase.
    Never settle or dare to be satisfied
    Just don’t be surprised when you find out
    That somewhere along the way your peace died

    –

    I believe peace is reserved for the dead indeed
    Us living simply can’t escape the chaos of our mind
    At least we can seek some comfort in knowing
    That by default peace was never ours to find

  • Present / Not Present

    Nov 15th, 2022

    I have decided to write as often as I can, even if it will mean some things I’ll write will be average, or worse. I suppose it’s coming from the post I’ve seen on Instagram where it said that from 100% of what we do 70% will be average or poor, 20% will be good/ok and 10% will be great.

    I was trying to Google the 70-20-10 rule and I was getting various interpretation of it, but none seemed to match what I believe I have seen on Instagram. Either way, what the version of this rule on Instagram meant was, in order to crete a great piece, we have to be prepared to create average pieces. And in relatively much higher volume. I think it kinda says that from 100 posts I might publish here, 70 will be in the average bracket, 20 will be around the good mark, and 10 will hopefully be great. And in my head that makes sense.
    It’s all about the amount of work and repetition we put it. Or, practice makes better.

    So now that I have explained the reason for writing, what is my today’s message?

    Well, I thought I’ll share something about my struggle to be present.

    If I got a pound for every article or post in the mindfulness category I’ve glanced at or read online that mentioned living in the present moment I’d probably be very rich. Of course I’m exaggerating but you get the idea.
    It’s everywhere.

    Be present. Live in the moment.

    Well, ok, but how?
    Do you mind actually telling me how?

    When I told my friend I’m often chatting with people whilst on treadmill he called me King Of Not Present Moment. And he was very correct.
    I’m actually very not present right now as I’m on treadmill, trying to put 10km against my virtual challenge, so I can log them and be satisfied I’m 10km closer to finishing it.
    At the same time I’m walking on slow speed, trying to draft this post so when I come home, I don’t need to worry about typing it as I’d have this draft to just review and publish.
    Which is just another example of my favourite activity and that is – killing two birds with one stone. Which is just another way of saying multi-tasking right?

    Anyway, I guess what I’m describing is a disconnect between where I am and where I want to be. I actually don’t really want to be on treadmill, but as I do want some kind of physical condition and to lose weight, I kind of have to endure some discomfort. But whilst I can accept this trade off, a bit of discomfort for a benefit of being healthy, or better looking, I really struggle to be present doing it. I simply cannot just be on treadmill, running or jogging, I have to do something that breaks the boredom of it. Because the activity itself is in my opinion ridiculously boring. And my mind doesn’t handle boredom very well.

    My friend asked my if I actually enjoy something as he seemed to think that I don’t, because I don’t do anything with 100% dedication and focus. Which is true.
    But even with that assumption being correct, I do enjoy things, but they must be creating some positive stimulation in my brain, for example food, sex, shopping, laughing. When it comes to things like running, I do them, yet they don’t seem to trigger that pleasant feeling, but they give me some reward afterwards, where for example I can feel proud or happy that it’s over. But as the task is not pleasant on its own, at least that is how my mind perceives it, I simply think of the “after”. I look at the kilometer count on the display of the treadmill counting down the kilometres or minutes left to reach my goal. In my case the journey isn’t enjoyable, but goal is appealing. So I do it.

    But my question is, how can I actually enjoy it? Will it kind of happen if I keep doing it? Or do I somehow need to “decide” to enjoy it? Or perhaps I need a better understanding of what joy actually is?

    So far, I haven’t been able to figure out how to enjoy things I do as means to an end, but without the end goal I’ll gladly stop doing. I’m convinced that once I’ve reached my target weight I’d stop running. Or maybe I won’t completely stop, but I’d just do it as maintenance. Who knows. I’m not there yet. But the fact is, I’d much rather be chilling at home reading or watching TV, then be here in the now as it’s unfolding. And to me, that is wrong. I should be content with where I am.

    And this is basically a post I made to escape boredom of now, as well as my attempt to do something that can contribute to the overall amount of things I’m doing, where eventually 10% of them will be good.
    In my personal opinion this was just a rant of mildly annoyed man that had an average day at work and apart from dinner he hasn’t got much to look forward to before he goes to bed and his day will be over.
    Yet I would like to conclude it with saying I’m still grateful for everything, because even if I might not feel like it, I came to believe being grateful is a choice.

  • Let Go

    Nov 13th, 2022

    Sometimes I think about you
    And want to ask how’s your day been
    But I don’t because I get scared that
    By asking how you are, something else I mean

    I was never good at letting go
    Especially after I heard my inner voice
    Telling me that letting go doesn’t just happen
    It’s a matter of choice

    So I suppose I can not ask you
    And you’ll never know
    How hard it was every day to
    Choose to let you go

  • OK

    Nov 12th, 2022

    It’ll be OK she said as she was leaving
    I’m not sure how she knew
    I kept thinking about her since then
    Until the day I met you

    And it turns out that exactly
    OK is how I was
    Reminding myself daily
    “It could be worse I suppose.”

    Being OK gets tiring
    Because one can’t really complain
    OK is like a gorgeous dress
    Tainted with a little stain

    Your glass is neither full nor empty
    It’s somewhere in between
    OK is not being invisible
    But also not really seen

    I guess I’m used to it now
    Just wondering where it goes from here
    If I can’t be found
    Shall I just disappear?

    –

    She said it’ll be OK
    And now you’re saying it too
    It’ll be what it’ll be
    Until I meet someone new

  • Dared

    Nov 9th, 2022

    It was over before it started
    If it even was after all
    I thought I’ll learn to fly
    I had to learn how to fall

    I fell and it hurt like hell
    Yet I was grateful I didn’t die
    And was proud I risked it
    That I dared to try

    They say there’re no failures just lessons
    And this sure was a lesson learned
    It’s better to have heart broken
    Than forever let it yearn

  • InkTober 2022

    Oct 3rd, 2022

    Here we go again. It’s time to pick up some markers and give it my best and contribute to the awesomeness that is Inktober.

    I am once again sending my little friend on 31 adventures, but this time, he will get a name.

    Recently, I’ve been pondering a lot about my favourite fictional character, Loki, and for a short while, I’ve had his horned helmet as a profile picture on WhatsApp. Then my friend suggested I change it as it seemed to him that God of lies isn’t something I should be worshipping, and I’ve decided (though not only for this reason) to change my picture.

    Then I thought I’d name my mouse Loki, but that would be too easy and a bit sketchy, so I’ve decided to go with “Lucky”, but change the spelling to “Laki”. This way I get a Loki like sounding to his name and I keep it relatively positive as I’m trying to give my little friend better life than I normally have.

    So, please welcome Laki. 

    1. Gargoyle

    Laki has brought an ancient gargoyle to his garden.

    2. Scurry

    Laki is trying to practice dancing as he believes it will be needed when he finally finds his girlfriend. So far, it looks like some shy scurrying.

    3. Bat

    Laki often wishes he could be the famous Batmouse.

    4. Scallop

    Laki is on the final part of Camino de Santiago and in the distance he can see Compostela. It was always his dream to complete this pilgrimage.

    5. Flame

    Laki is cosplaying the famous Slovakian robber of the rich, aka Jánošík. Though I have heard his story isn’t as romantic as some stories portray it. Just don’t tell Laki. He might throw his costume into the fire.

    6. Bouquet

    Laki is a good friend with Banksy. What can I say, I am jealous. But he won’t tell me who is Banksy.

    6. Trip

    Laki is a big fan of rock music. One of his favourite bands is The White Stripes. Sometimes he wishes he learned to play some instrument so he could have his own band.

    8. Match

    Laki is not exactly a super calm mouse. He also doesn’t like losing. He is trying to not repeat his infamous smashing of his tennis racket after losing in the final match of Wimbledon. As much as he always wants to win, he needs to remember it is just a game.

    9. Nest

    Laki woke up after a terrible nightmare where he was being carried as a dead meat to the nest of young hawks. Luckily, he woke up and realised it was only a dream.

    10. Crabby

    Although Laki prefers rock music, he also liked some different styles in the past and had a look to prove it.

    11. Eagle

    One of Laki’s fantasies is to ride on the back of the eagle like he has seen in the Lord Of The Rings. In his normal life, he isn’t as keen on finding himself in the presence of an eagle.

    12. Forget

    Laki is upset as he forgot to charge his phone and now he is facing a daily trip without checking social media. I am sure he will survive 🙂

    13. Kind

    Laki has always believed in kindness, though he can also be an ass and forget that kindness is what he should always be choosing. But nobody is perfect, right?

    14. Empty

    Laki is always upset and sad when he goes down to his fridge in the night and finds it empty.

    15. Armadillo

    Laki has always been a big fan of series F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and so he is going to be a Holiday Armadillo for Halloween. PS – Happy birthday Emily!

    16. Fowl

    Laki is a big sports fan, his most favourite being tennis and ice hockey. His favourite team is Anaheim Ducks.

    17. Salty

    Laki has decided to start running as he thinks he put too much extra weight on from all the cheese. Until now he didn’t realise how salty and unpleasant his sweat is and get quite annoyed when the sweat gets into his eyes. I am surprised he didn’t quit running yet.

    * dedicated to Reka. Happy birthday 🙂

    18. Scrape

    Laki used to ride roller-skates in the 90’s. He often scraped his knees, but he refused to wear knee protectors. He became a bit more mindful of health and safety now 🙂

    19. Ponytail

    When was Laki a little mouse-child he used to have a favourite My Little Pony toy. At least until it lost its tail in minor fire accident.

    20. Bluff

    Laki would never miss an opportunity to play with his daggers and bluff anyone. He can’t help it being a trickster.

    21. Bad Dog

    Laki is always trying to be proactive and vigilant and ever since his accident with bad dog he does all he can to warn others about potential threats to their safety. He wishes he could do more, but one little mouse can only do so much. Every little helps though, right?

    22. Heist

    Couldn’t resist imagining Laki in the Matrix being Neo. I always want him to experience all the awesome things I can’t 🙂 Now if we only could find Trinity 🙂

    23. Booger

    Despite being told numerous times to not put boogers in his mouth, Laki feels always tempted to do so as according to him, they taste a bit like a mouldy cheese. Ewwwwwwwwww ….

    24. Fairy

    I can’t resist to share the inspiration behind the drawing for Fairy.

    It is the stunning piece The Stolen Child by McKinnon brothers, which belongs to the Kin trilogy even though it seems to be the loose extra story, slightly different to the three main fables. 

    Now of course Laki in the knight’s armour can’t compare to the beauty shown in the videos, so I’d love to ask you to watch the 4 stories and enjoy the brilliant storytelling of McKinnon brothers.

    You’re in for a treat. 

    Kin Fables

    Part 1 – Kin

    Part 2 – Salvage

    Part 3 – Requiem

    Extra story

    The Stolen Child

    25. Tempting

    When it comes to getting cheese for free, Laki can’t really resist temptation, even when it means risk. Even high risk. Even death.

    26. Ego

    Laki always loved LEGO. He discovered a box of old lego and he couldn’t resist building himself out of it. It wasn’t exactly glorious version of himself as he imagined but it was fun. His ego wasn’t hurt in the process.

    27. Snack

    Laki is always looking forward watching his favourite show in the evening. Especially when he doesn’t forget to buy some snacks.

    28. Camping

    Laki loves being outdoors. Preferably in good weather. One of his most enjoyable moments when camping is the moment when he lights up his cigarette and sips a coffee after he got the fire going. Pure bliss.

    29. Uh-Oh

    Laki went to catch some butterflies and it looks like he wasn’t careful and ran off the cliff! Luckily, he is just a cartoon character so he will just land at the foot of the mountain, making a mouse shaped crater into the solid ground, stand up, brush off the dirt and off he goes to a new adventure! If only I could reanimate myself like this 🙂

    30. Gear

    One of the things on Laki’s bucket list was visiting the North Pole. I don’t know how, but he managed that! Good thing he had all the gear he needed as it wasn’t exactly easy. Though I don’t think he will go back there anytime soon. He prefers sun after all.

    31. Farm

    Even though Laki prefers cheese over vegetables, he still grows some veg on his farm. Usually, he exchanges the extra he doesn’t need for cheese, but I totally get that. More cheese = more happiness. I would probably do the same to be fair.

    PS 1 – InkTober 2022, you were good! auf Wiedersehen!

    PS 2 – Last picture for my friend Kelly. Thanks for the visit!

  • Remembering Zina

    Jun 18th, 2022

    A few times per year I remember Zina. A girl that I cannot compare to anyone I have met. I don’t know what exactly triggers these thoughts. Perhaps as a writer and someone with tendency to overthink, I am just experiencing a random manifestation of thoughts swirling in my subconscious mind into my aware mind and they either get attention they need, or they disappear.

    As I was thinking about my next post here, I thought I’ll post something about her then as it sounded like a good idea. It will allow others to see her brilliant mind and soul and I would have it saved here as a tribute to her, as she was one of my heroes. Still is actually.

    I am not a huge fan of bucket lists and I refuse to make one, but I remember how I wanted to meet her one day. Until I realised, she’s dead. I felt incredibly sad that I’ll never get to ask her something or have a coffee with her.

    It started with this video of her talking about her creative compulsive disorder.

    I went and checked her blog,, it is still online if you want to check it out – https://normallyoddzina.wordpress.com
    I really recommend reading her brilliant essays.

    One thing that seems to have disappeared though, is my most favourite piece by her, essay named Contrast and Catalyst. Luckily, I’ve downloaded it at the time and it now lives on my old blog, where you can download it from.

    So who exactly was Zina and why I am still enchanted by her being?

    Zina, full name Zina Nicole Dembitsky Lahr, was born on 13th February 1990. She died unexpectedly on 20th November 2013, (aged 23), in a tragic accident whilst hiking trail in Ouray, in Colorado mountains. Her sister, Brie, died in a car accident 3 years before that, in December 2010 and there’s a heartfelt post on Zina’s blog dedicated to her sister.

    Here is a brief excerpt of it:

    Happy Birthday, Brie Michelle. Your body a vessel… Your soul beyond it. Your message true. Like messages in a bottle, we, the vessels who were touched by the story of your life, can carry it with us. The love you gave me, emotional snapshots in my heart, I keep them locked away there… and take them out from time to time to reminisce, but, even more so, in an attempt to share them with others.

    Let only praises ring with every shout from my mouth… let me proclaim this life and LIVE. Oh, yes, LIVE like you showed you could. Let me be a mere vessel of the love you have carried to me… and so many others. Happy Birthday, dear sister of mine… I miss you more than ever, but I am comforted that your presence is still ever present.

    Your Sister,

    Zina

    You can read more of her thoughts on the blog I mentioned. I hope you will find her as inspiring and as magical as I did.

    She was one of the few people I will always remember as ones that touched my soul in the way that I knew it was a gift from God. I always found her talking about this experience on Earth as a journey where she felt trapped in her body as in a vessel of sorts incredibly similar to my own feeling about it. As if bodies were only a framework around our souls, a mere point of reference so we humans can navigate through the life in physical form. It was this strangely comforting view of hers that made me love her. In the world where physical appearance is becoming more and more glorified, here was someone who didn’t challenge the idea of bodies being something that varies from person to person and shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of, shamed for, or a tool for self loathing, but someone who recognised that in a way, they are just mechanical suits for our timeless souls needed to allow us to experience life on Earth.

    Of course the idea of soul being trapped in the body isn’t anything new, but the way she spoke about it, didn’t show any signs of disappointment from that fact. It seemed that she knew that one day she’ll be able to go back home. She believed in God, but she wasn’t overly religious. Yet I can say she made me believe in God more than those who speak about Him more often and with greater zealousy. She was meek in this sense and I guess God spoke through her differently. And I loved the way He spoke through her.

    She definitely was a Catalyst.

  • Mixtape 1

    Jun 18th, 2022

    This is not a typical post about things I’ve been trying to put out, but rather an experiment and depending on how well it does, I might try something like this again.

    I should mention this post owes it existence to a movie I’ve seen a few years ago, Mixtape.

    Mixtape.

    It isn’t a movie I would normally choose but I normally read plot before watching anything and it just sounded awesome. And, it actually is an amazing movie!

    So I’ve decided to put 16 songs together and kind of link them with some experiences I had and create a musical adventure that is also an invitation into my world.

    Song 1 – Placebo – Try Better Next Time

    Placebo released the official visualiser for this song a few days after I quit drinking and even though the song is dedicated to humanity as an advice to try better next time we inherit a planet, when I heard it for the first time, I’ve immediately thought of all the times when I hated myself for drinking and not being able to stop. I was a few days clean, I think it was 4 or 5 days and this song became my anthem to forgive myself every time I fall and try better next time.

    Song 2 – Amy Macdonald – Run

    I have been a huge fan of females in rock ever since I started to listen to music. It started with Dolores from The Cranberries and then came Anneke from The Gathering and since then I have always been keen on getting to know rock bands fronted by females, as well as female solo artists. I was absolutely blown away by Amy’s first album and after watching her few performances on YouTube I became a huge fan of her personality and her Scottish accent. It’s hard to say exactly why I’ve picked this song, but watching her sing this with orchestra, I might have, might not, shed a tear. I love music that can do that to a grown up man. 

    Song 3 – The Cranberries – In The End

    If I was explaining this choice to my sister, I wouldn’t need to say any words. She would just know. 

    I still remember that cold January when I found out about Dolores passing.

    When the In The End album came out I couldn’t stop listening to this song. There is a lot of sentiment in it because of it being last by The Cranberries, but I always found the “ain’t it strange how everything you wanted was nothing what you wanted” verse incredibly sad, yet insanely beautiful and somewhat prophetic, as we all make choices for future without actually knowing much and often what we wanted and get, feels different to how we imagined it would feel. 

    Song 4 – The Strokes – Chances

    I didn’t actually like the song very much originally, I mean, I liked it but it didn’t become special to me until I saw a video of Capital Children’s Choir preforming it. There’s plenty of low key breakup references one can pick up if one fancies some reflection on post breakup sadness. There’s some strange redemption in this song for me. Julian’s voice is bit different to his usual more rock n roll singing.

    Song 5 – Manic Street Preachers – Motorcycle Emptiness

    Easy choice. One of the most iconic rock anthems, one of the most impactful bands when it comes to my life and growing up. There is no better way to enjoy this song than walking at the night with only neons lighting the streets. That feeling of loneliness and sadness is liberating.

    Song 6 – The Gathering – Travel

    Of course that The Gathering must be on the list. I have chosen a song dedicated to Mozart. Some people travel to places, with songs like this, I don’t need to travel in the outer world when I can travel inside. My most favourite song of all time. When Anneke sings “I wish you knew” I just swoon. I travel.

    Song 7 – Travis – Idlewild

    I loved Travis since the album The Man Who. I saw them in theatre in Nottingham where they played the whole album and it was phenomenal! This song isn’t from that album, but it being a duet with amazing Josephine Oniyama made me choose it for this list.

    Song 8 – mewithoutYou – In A Sweater Poorly Knit 

    Song I dedicate to my brother, as he was the first one to point it out to me. Since then it became an anthem to me. Especially after finding out that You in the band name refers to God. A wonderful metaphor about us trying to catch someone, only to get trapped ourselves.

    Song 9 – Moby – The Last Day

    I always loved Moby for choosing incredibly fitting voices for his songs. Skylar Grey manages to sing here in a way that makes this song a masterpiece. I read that this song is about a poor man who is looking for his last day, day that will free him from his misery and it is on his last day when he manages to see the sun. The way I feel listening to this song, isn’t far from that moment.

    Song 10 – Tokyo Shoegazer – Bright

    Shoegaze (originally called shoegazing and sometimes conflated with “dream pop”) is a subgenre of indie and alternative rock characterized by its ethereal mixture of obscured vocals, guitar distortion and effects, feedback, and overwhelming volume. It emerged in Ireland and the United Kingdom in the late 1980s among neo-psychedelic groups who usually stood motionless during live performances in a detached, non-confrontational state. The name comes from the heavy use of effects pedals, as the performers were often looking down at their pedals during concerts.

    This song captures the mood of shoegaze magically. If I was a music genre, I will definitely be shoegaze.

    Song 11 – A-ha – Cast In Steel

    I am a rocker at heart, but I am also a huge fan of A-ha. This song reminds me of everything that once was and isn’t anymore. And is my deepest expression of gratitude for all the darkness that took me a while to accept as a gift too. There’s no greater pop band when it comes to expressing sentiment of life than A-ha. 

    Song 12 – Adrian Bouldt – Never Lovers 

    I’m giving this song out for the first time as it’s my secret song. It reminds me of someone very special. I kind of promised her not to share this song with anyone else, but I think time has come for me to share it. Since then I’ve met a few more girls with which I didn’t end up being a lover, but a few of them remain my good friends. And who knows if that isn’t for the best. 

    Song 13 – Anathema – Endless Ways

    It was hard to choose a song from Anathema as they have been a godsend for me in many ways, in endless ways. Album Eternity is still in my top 10 and whilst this song isn’t from that album, the lyrics of Endless Ways made me to choose this one. If I ever need a reminder that I’m loved in endless ways, Lee Douglas is a great choice. 

    Song 14 – Bruce Springsteen – Long Walk Home

    I was trying to pick a song about home. And I managed to get one mentioning walk too. I don’t often meet with overly appreciative reactions from people when I mention Bruce, but it doesn’t change my opinion on him. He is The Boss.

    I was considering Outlaw Pete for this list, but I’ve decided to put Long Walk Home as I keep thinking about my parents back home in Slovakia these days and I just wanted a little reminder of the feeling one gets travelling home. Sometimes I even think of walking there one day. That will definitely be a long walk from UK!

    Song 15 – Habitants – Runners

    When I learned about the project Habitants, I was super excited as I was already loving Anna Van De Hoogen in Rosemary And Garlic. Her voice with the music of the members of The Gathering was promising a magical album and One Self indeed turned out to be just that.

    The mood of Runners reflects much of my life that very few songs do and whilst it definitely is a sad song, it works as a medicine whenever I listen to it. 

    and I’ll try justifying it
    so I can taste it again
    believe me
    it’s better to erase
    my memory
    than to live with
    my crime

    you were not mine

    Song 16 – Karintytär – Anna Anteeksi

    During first lockdown I came across a project by by Marten Berger, Sounds Like Van Spirit, https://soundslikevanspirit.eu. It really impressed me and I purchased the album. Anna Anteeksi became my most favourite song right away, especially after I read the lyrics in English. I really liked how I originally had no clue what she’s singing in Finnish, but I immediately knew it’s a beautiful song. I also absolutely loved how she was shown in the video. It captured the spirit of the project exactly how I imagined it was meant to be presented, a wonderful collection of songs collected on the European streets.

  • Don’t Burn The Bridges, Part The Veil

    Jun 12th, 2022

    Recently I came into conflict with some articles and other people’s opinion on how to deal with an end of a relationship and the post breakup feelings.

    It seems that general post breakup protocol dictates limiting the contact with the other person, some advice went as far as recommending burning all the bridges. I guess it depends on the specific conditions under which the relationship ended and perhaps in some circumstances it is the healthiest way to deal with it. 

    I remember  how strongly I felt about a fantasy character of the popular card game, Magic: The Gathering, Narset, a highly enlightened being who is also known as Parter Of Veils. I always imagined that she was able to part any veil that human mind can create and see beyond it. And it is a fairly common knowledge amongst truth seekers that we live in a strange state of having our vision veiled by our own agenda and conditioning, only seeing a portion of the truth and if we don’t try to look beyond the immediately visible, we might never really see anyone as they are, but rather see them just as our own interpretation of them and sure, maybe that’s enough we need to, or want to see in many instances, it doesn’t really satisfy me when it comes to someone I once felt very close to. It’s almost as if we are encouraged to see those who left us as “betrayers” and us as victims of their betrayal, because there are so many quotes saying we need to protect our dignity and self worth from these people as they will use, or abuse us again and it’s only by us cutting them off and drawing some kind of mental border we are able to heal from the harm they’ve done. 

    The thing is though, if we get too stuck with the narrative of betrayal and ignore that what we once felt was true, we might end up betraying ourselves. Maybe even they were true at the time, but something has changed and they had to review their investment in being with us and realised that it no longer matches their requirements. And it could actually broke their heart to see that, before they went and broke our heart. But we almost always focus on our side of the story, because that is all we really know.

    Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that we have to spend an enormous amount of effort to see someone for who they are, if we lost all interest in actually knowing them after there no longer is a destination that we both want to go to. We are not obliged to know everyone the same way. Our time here on Earth is simply too short to even get to know ourselves really well, but I guess we all long for being seen by a few people who we care about and that tends to happen when we actually make some effort to see them and all of this takes time and as we know, time is one of the most expensive commodities.

    And by the way, I am not writing this to give anyone any advice on how to find the right way of being, or not being with someone they broke up with, or they broke with them. I myself am only at the beginning of this journey and this post is simply my personal attempt to draw some kind of road map I can refer to should I feel lost where I am in relation to the person I once believed is the one. 

    Perhaps it also depends on where we are on our own journey as not all we meet, as important as meeting them was, are to stay with us, or near us as we wander towards our destiny. We all love company, well, a good company, I’d rather be alone than stuck with a bad company, most of our journey is spent on our own, dealing with our own emotions. Even if we might walk with someone and look like we’re journeying in the same direction, we can have different reasons for going there, or after reaching certain checkpoint we might realise that our journeys must split. So maybe often the honest processing of the hurt we feel from having to say goodbye to those we met is the most important thing we do as sojourners. To say an honest goodbye is as important, if not even more important in some instances, as an honest hello. 

    I cannot and don’t want to control  how the other person looks back at meeting me, but I want to be able to recognise that they came to teach me something, show me something, that maybe the darkness I experienced from having to say goodbye to them was also a gift. 

    And I am willing to go against the stream a little here. I have met with some strange comments from friends on my decision to remain friends with the girl I was with, but I realise that only opinion that matters here is my own. No one can advise me how to be, where to go from here but me. It is this personal responsibility that plays the major part in not hastily accepting any advice from those who were not really feeling what we felt. As confused as we are, they aren’t really equipped to give us guidance on how to deal with our emotions and I would rather find my own way and get lost a little in the process, than to accept advice from someone who doesn’t know how much someone meant to me. I also believe that we must get lost a little before we actually find ourselves. The losing of who we were with someone and finding who we are without them is an important part of growth, as there will always be more losing as we go and it can teach us important lesson that we’re destined to lose everything in the end and that it’s okay!

    I want to end this personal post by a wish to the person I dedicate this to:

    Hope that you find it, hope that it’s good
    ~ Ode To The Mets, The Strokes

    And the opening sequence of a poem written by King Olav V of Norway dedicated to all that can still see and feel remnants of moments spent with those they loved and had to say goodbye to.

    Quote in the beginning of the video. One of my most favourite songs.

    When I look back, I see the landscape that I have walked through. But it is different. 

    All the great trees are gone. It seems there are remnants of them, but it is the afterglow inside of you, of all those you met, who meant something in your life. 

    ~ Olav Rex, August 1977

  • So why so sad?, or, Welcome to my blog

    Jun 8th, 2022

    The idea for the name of this website came from a Magic: The Gathering card, sometimes referred to as “sad robot”.
    The two words, solemn and simulacrum always appealed to me and as I can quite relate to being a robot, especially a sad one, I decided to name my page solemnsimulacrum.

    There’s actually a story about a sad robot I keep sharing and perhaps this is a place where I can save it for future references.

    Here it is:

    “No piece of art has ever emotionally affected me the way this robot arm piece has. It’s programmed to try to contain the hydraulic fluid that’s constantly leaking out and required to keep itself running. If too much escapes, it will die so it’s desperately trying to pull it back to continue to fight for another day. Saddest part is they gave the robot the ability to do these ‘happy dances’ to spectators. When the project was first launched it danced around spending most of its time interacting with the crowd since it could quickly pull back the small spillage. Many years later… (as you see it now in the picture) it looks tired and hopeless as there isn’t enough time to dance anymore.
    It now only has enough time to try to keep itself alive as the amount of leaked hydraulic fluid became unmanageable as the spill grew over time. Living its last days in a never-ending cycle between sustaining life and simultaneously bleeding out. (Figuratively and literally as its hydraulic fluid was purposefully made to look like it’s actual blood). The robot arm finally ran out of hydraulic fluid in 2019, slowly came to a halt and died – And I am now tearing up over a friggin robot arm that was programmed to live out this fate and no matter what it did or how hard it tried, there was no escaping it. Spectators watched as it slowly bled out until the day that it ceased to move forever. Saying that ‘this resonates’ doesn’t even do it justice imo.

    Created by Sun Yuan & Peng Yu, they named the piece, Can’t Help Myself. What a masterpiece.What a message. “Extended interpretations: the hydraulic fluid in relation to how we kill ourselves both mentally and physically for money just in an attempt to sustain life, how the system is set up for us to fail on purpose to essentially enslave us and to steal the best years of our lives to play the game that the richest people of the world have designed. How this robs us of our happiness, passion and our inner peace. How we are slowly drowning with more responsibilities, with more expected of us, less rewarding pay-offs and less free time to enjoy ourselves with as the years go by. How there’s really no escaping the system and that we were destined at birth to follow a pretty specific path that was already laid out before us. How we can give and give and give and how easily we can be forgotten after we’ve gone. How we are loved and respected when we are valuable, then one day we aren’t any longer and we become a burden. And how our young, free-caring spirit gets stolen from us as we get churned out of the broken system that we are trapped inside of. Can also be seen to represent the human life cycle and the fact that none of us make it out of this world alive. But also can act as a reminder to allow yourself to heal, rest and love with all of your heart. That the endless chase for ‘more’ isn’t necessary in finding your own inner happiness.”
    ~ James Kricked Parr

    Edit: I recently read that the above isn’t entirely true. Apparently the robot simply reached its exhibition end. The piece was actually shown at the 2019 Venice Art Biennale working properly.

    It looks kind of sad, right?

    There’s still a lot of truth though in the interpretation of the art. All art is subject to beholder’s interpretation isn’t it? If this piece evoked a response different to what authors intended, if they actually intended a specific response, it probably is just a reflection of what public carries in their minds. I mean, who could not connect to art reminding us of finity of our lives, life of us all and resources around us? Sooner or later each one of us has to come to terms with our own mortality and whilst it’s not something one wants to spend time on daily, it is good to be reminded of it, in the carpe diem way, to perhaps re-align with who we are and what we are doing and what we want to be and do.

    Welcome to my blog.

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