Recently I came into conflict with some articles and other people’s opinion on how to deal with an end of a relationship and the post breakup feelings.
It seems that general post breakup protocol dictates limiting the contact with the other person, some advice went as far as recommending burning all the bridges. I guess it depends on the specific conditions under which the relationship ended and perhaps in some circumstances it is the healthiest way to deal with it.
I remember how strongly I felt about a fantasy character of the popular card game, Magic: The Gathering, Narset, a highly enlightened being who is also known as Parter Of Veils. I always imagined that she was able to part any veil that human mind can create and see beyond it. And it is a fairly common knowledge amongst truth seekers that we live in a strange state of having our vision veiled by our own agenda and conditioning, only seeing a portion of the truth and if we don’t try to look beyond the immediately visible, we might never really see anyone as they are, but rather see them just as our own interpretation of them and sure, maybe that’s enough we need to, or want to see in many instances, it doesn’t really satisfy me when it comes to someone I once felt very close to. It’s almost as if we are encouraged to see those who left us as “betrayers” and us as victims of their betrayal, because there are so many quotes saying we need to protect our dignity and self worth from these people as they will use, or abuse us again and it’s only by us cutting them off and drawing some kind of mental border we are able to heal from the harm they’ve done.
The thing is though, if we get too stuck with the narrative of betrayal and ignore that what we once felt was true, we might end up betraying ourselves. Maybe even they were true at the time, but something has changed and they had to review their investment in being with us and realised that it no longer matches their requirements. And it could actually broke their heart to see that, before they went and broke our heart. But we almost always focus on our side of the story, because that is all we really know.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that we have to spend an enormous amount of effort to see someone for who they are, if we lost all interest in actually knowing them after there no longer is a destination that we both want to go to. We are not obliged to know everyone the same way. Our time here on Earth is simply too short to even get to know ourselves really well, but I guess we all long for being seen by a few people who we care about and that tends to happen when we actually make some effort to see them and all of this takes time and as we know, time is one of the most expensive commodities.
And by the way, I am not writing this to give anyone any advice on how to find the right way of being, or not being with someone they broke up with, or they broke with them. I myself am only at the beginning of this journey and this post is simply my personal attempt to draw some kind of road map I can refer to should I feel lost where I am in relation to the person I once believed is the one.
Perhaps it also depends on where we are on our own journey as not all we meet, as important as meeting them was, are to stay with us, or near us as we wander towards our destiny. We all love company, well, a good company, I’d rather be alone than stuck with a bad company, most of our journey is spent on our own, dealing with our own emotions. Even if we might walk with someone and look like we’re journeying in the same direction, we can have different reasons for going there, or after reaching certain checkpoint we might realise that our journeys must split. So maybe often the honest processing of the hurt we feel from having to say goodbye to those we met is the most important thing we do as sojourners. To say an honest goodbye is as important, if not even more important in some instances, as an honest hello.
I cannot and don’t want to control how the other person looks back at meeting me, but I want to be able to recognise that they came to teach me something, show me something, that maybe the darkness I experienced from having to say goodbye to them was also a gift.
And I am willing to go against the stream a little here. I have met with some strange comments from friends on my decision to remain friends with the girl I was with, but I realise that only opinion that matters here is my own. No one can advise me how to be, where to go from here but me. It is this personal responsibility that plays the major part in not hastily accepting any advice from those who were not really feeling what we felt. As confused as we are, they aren’t really equipped to give us guidance on how to deal with our emotions and I would rather find my own way and get lost a little in the process, than to accept advice from someone who doesn’t know how much someone meant to me. I also believe that we must get lost a little before we actually find ourselves. The losing of who we were with someone and finding who we are without them is an important part of growth, as there will always be more losing as we go and it can teach us important lesson that we’re destined to lose everything in the end and that it’s okay!
I want to end this personal post by a wish to the person I dedicate this to:
Hope that you find it, hope that it’s good
~ Ode To The Mets, The Strokes
And the opening sequence of a poem written by King Olav V of Norway dedicated to all that can still see and feel remnants of moments spent with those they loved and had to say goodbye to.
When I look back, I see the landscape that I have walked through. But it is different.
All the great trees are gone. It seems there are remnants of them, but it is the afterglow inside of you, of all those you met, who meant something in your life.
~ Olav Rex, August 1977