On cigarettes and being present

I am waiting for the 6.16 train from Nottingham to Leeds and as I am drinking my Costa coffee, I ponder how did I end up here and what can I learn from it.

I was travelling back to the UK from Slovakia yesterday and I have bought three cartons of Davidoff cigarettes for my friend. I carried them in a plastic bag given at the Bratislava airport and somehow I managed to forget that bag on the Leeds airport link A1. It was a long journey.

I realised this when I sat down at Pret A Manger at the Leeds train station and I kind of threw the towel in, accepting I’m around £125 short repeating “Fuck it.” as a mantra in my head.

Then I told my brother about it and he said – “Why don’t you call them?”
And as much as I can say that it probably should occur to me as a possible action, it never did. I guess I was kind of blinded by my rage and anger and what not, that I simply wanted to “punish myself” for this mistake by “losing the £125” I paid for these cigarettes.

I managed to find the contact for the Flyer and messaged them over WhatsApp. I messaged them at 15.01 and at 15.31 they messaged back saying the cigarettes were found.
My sister’s boyfriend called me a lucky bastard.

And here’s the learning I can see in this story.

It has been recommended in the 12 step recovery to find someone to call or message to should we find ourselves in the state of falling back into the addiction, or should we feel we are close to giving in. Because sometimes the difference between overcoming a temptation and falling into it is just a simple message or phone call.
I dare to say that losing £125 isn’t something that would destroy me, but it also isn’t something I really want to let happen if I can help it.
And I can honestly say that if it wasn’t for my brother, I would have fallen into the negative self talk (you deserved this bullshit) and I would have not messaged the Flyer management and the story would end there.

Though my brother being the brother he is, didn’t forget to add that this probably happened because I wasn’t fucking present.
Of course I wasn’t fucking present, I rarely am lol, like show me someone who is 24/7 present you dumbass.
I’ve recently finished a book by Mark Manson, Everything is fucked and he mentions Quang Duc, the Vietnamese monk that somehow managed to stay present whilst burning alive protesting the persecution of Buddhists by the South Vietnamese government led by Ngô Đình Diệm in 1963. Like if we are talking about that kind of being present then I can say I’ll never achieve that and I’m okay to be present my own chaotic way as it’s kind of fun. It earned me a trip to Leeds on a fine sunny May morning and I can play some more Placebo on the train. In my books that’s a pretty good thing.

But back to the importance of support network.

We all have blind spots in our vision. There is no better way of putting it, then to say I indeed was blinded by my anger in the heat of the moment when I realised what happened. But someone else could see beyond my blind spot of anger. And chances are, in whatever situation we are, there’s always someone who can help us more than we can help ourselves and we shouldn’t be afraid, or ashamed to ask.
Though technically I did not ask my brother for help. I’ve actually been upset and just wanted to vent. Luckily, people who know us, can decipher what we are saying. Can you please help me have many different ways of spelling.

Pretty much any bad can be turned into good, or we can at least shift our perception of it. It might not always be easy, but it is almost always possible. Sitting on the morning train to Leeds, looking for some final words of wisdom to end my little piece on being present I sense my mood being nicely fuzzy and soft. I am actually happy it happened.

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