I made a deal with Anneke that we will try to do more photo shoots now that I bought new lens. It was just a little test, but they seem to be pretty good.
Just a few photos showing Anneke wearing outfit inspired by SKA culture. I was happy that she loved The Interrupters and hopefully one day we will see them together.
Yesterday my friends’ father died.
And whilst it doesn’t impact me directly, it’s yet another piece of sadness that someone has to carry on top of what they were already carrying.
Recently I’ve started reading a book about Kurds and it just opened my eyes to the tragedy of this nation. As well as miracle that it is.
With my own father suffering from cancer I cannot help but feel a lot of sadness myself. It’s not always present, or at least it’s not always seeking some attention from me, but I know it’s there.
I’ve been listening to Moby’s phenomenal album Destroyed in the past two days as I shared a song from it with a girl I recently met online and we became friends. Even though song I shared was Stella Maris, from the album I especially love the song The Day.
It is about a day Moby spent in the hospital with his dying mother.
She passed away from lung cancer in 1997.
Before The Day I used to contemplate what it’s like to lose a parent listening to The Ocean Spray by Manic Street Preachers.
This phenomenal rock anthem was written by James Dean Bradfield remembering time spent at hospital with his mother and it’s simply a reference to a cranberry juice drink given to patients in hospitals in UK and Ireland.
James’ mother died in 1999.
I’m not even sure what I want to say with these words.
I had this idea for a short story that would start with Moby in the hospital and the main protagonist going on with his or her day and the idea was to simply refer to some moments in the pop music culture through the main character, but as I often get ideas for a story and almost never end up actually writing anything, I thought I will at least capture what I felt.
I’ve decided to write more often and I suppose such decision must inevitably come with some spontaneous spurs of inspiration leading to somewhat chaotic posts.
Yet I believe there’s value and beauty in them as they too capture a moment in time, how we felt as a photograph does.
By the way, I’ve also bought new camera lens today. I hope to capture some moments visually too. Although words are my favourite way of preserving time and feelings.
I heard some people ask why we
Wish peace to the dead
When we maybe should wish and work
For peace for the living instead
But I worry that peace doesn’t just happen
One has to work for it (and quite hard!)
And it’s only privilege of the dead
To give some rest to their guard
It’s almost as if our minds were constantly
Assessing if we should fight or flight
And even if some things look favorable
We focus on those that don’t seem right
So we push ourselves out of comfort zone
In the pursuit of happiness
Never really realising that instead of wanting more
We could just maybe accept less
Do. Grow. Improve. Change. Increase.
Never settle or dare to be satisfied
Just don’t be surprised when you find out
That somewhere along the way your peace died
I believe peace is reserved for the dead indeed
Us living simply can’t escape the chaos of our mind
At least we can seek some comfort in knowing
That by default peace was never ours to find
I have decided to write as often as I can, even if it will mean some things I’ll write will be average, or worse. I suppose it’s coming from the post I’ve seen on Instagram where it said that from 100% of what we do 70% will be average or poor, 20% will be good/ok and 10% will be great.
I was trying to Google the 70-20-10 rule and I was getting various interpretation of it, but none seemed to match what I believe I have seen on Instagram. Either way, what the version of this rule on Instagram meant was, in order to crete a great piece, we have to be prepared to create average pieces. And in relatively much higher volume. I think it kinda says that from 100 posts I might publish here, 70 will be in the average bracket, 20 will be around the good mark, and 10 will hopefully be great. And in my head that makes sense.
It’s all about the amount of work and repetition we put it. Or, practice makes better.
So now that I have explained the reason for writing, what is my today’s message?
Well, I thought I’ll share something about my struggle to be present.
If I got a pound for every article or post in the mindfulness category I’ve glanced at or read online that mentioned living in the present moment I’d probably be very rich. Of course I’m exaggerating but you get the idea.
Be present. Live in the moment.
Well, ok, but how?
Do you mind actually telling me how?
When I told my friend I’m often chatting with people whilst on treadmill he called me King Of Not Present Moment. And he was very correct.
I’m actually very not present right now as I’m on treadmill, trying to put 10km against my virtual challenge, so I can log them and be satisfied I’m 10km closer to finishing it.
At the same time I’m walking on slow speed, trying to draft this post so when I come home, I don’t need to worry about typing it as I’d have this draft to just review and publish.
Which is just another example of my favourite activity and that is – killing two birds with one stone. Which is just another way of saying multi-tasking right?
Anyway, I guess what I’m describing is a disconnect between where I am and where I want to be. I actually don’t really want to be on treadmill, but as I do want some kind of physical condition and to lose weight, I kind of have to endure some discomfort. But whilst I can accept this trade off, a bit of discomfort for a benefit of being healthy, or better looking, I really struggle to be present doing it. I simply cannot just be on treadmill, running or jogging, I have to do something that breaks the boredom of it. Because the activity itself is in my opinion ridiculously boring. And my mind doesn’t handle boredom very well.
My friend asked my if I actually enjoy something as he seemed to think that I don’t, because I don’t do anything with 100% dedication and focus. Which is true.
But even with that assumption being correct, I do enjoy things, but they must be creating some positive stimulation in my brain, for example food, sex, shopping, laughing. When it comes to things like running, I do them, yet they don’t seem to trigger that pleasant feeling, but they give me some reward afterwards, where for example I can feel proud or happy that it’s over. But as the task is not pleasant on its own, at least that is how my mind perceives it, I simply think of the “after”. I look at the kilometer count on the display of the treadmill counting down the kilometres or minutes left to reach my goal. In my case the journey isn’t enjoyable, but goal is appealing. So I do it.
But my question is, how can I actually enjoy it? Will it kind of happen if I keep doing it? Or do I somehow need to “decide” to enjoy it? Or perhaps I need a better understanding of what joy actually is?
So far, I haven’t been able to figure out how to enjoy things I do as means to an end, but without the end goal I’ll gladly stop doing. I’m convinced that once I’ve reached my target weight I’d stop running. Or maybe I won’t completely stop, but I’d just do it as maintenance. Who knows. I’m not there yet. But the fact is, I’d much rather be chilling at home reading or watching TV, then be here in the now as it’s unfolding. And to me, that is wrong. I should be content with where I am.
And this is basically a post I made to escape boredom of now, as well as my attempt to do something that can contribute to the overall amount of things I’m doing, where eventually 10% of them will be good.
In my personal opinion this was just a rant of mildly annoyed man that had an average day at work and apart from dinner he hasn’t got much to look forward to before he goes to bed and his day will be over.
Yet I would like to conclude it with saying I’m still grateful for everything, because even if I might not feel like it, I came to believe being grateful is a choice.
Sometimes I think about you
And want to ask how’s your day been
But I don’t because I get scared that
By asking how you are, something else I mean
I was never good at letting go
Especially after I heard my inner voice
Telling me that letting go doesn’t just happen
It’s a matter of choice
So I suppose I can not ask you
And you’ll never know
How hard it was every day to
Choose to let you go
It’ll be OK she said as she was leaving
I’m not sure how she knew
I kept thinking about her since then
Until the day I met you
And it turns out that exactly
OK is how I was
Reminding myself daily
“It could be worse I suppose.”
Being OK gets tiring
Because one can’t really complain
OK is like a gorgeous dress
Tainted with a little stain
Your glass is neither full nor empty
It’s somewhere in between
OK is not being invisible
But also not really seen
I guess I’m used to it now
Just wondering where it goes from here
If I can’t be found
Shall I just disappear?
She said it’ll be OK
And now you’re saying it too
It’ll be what it’ll be
Until I meet someone new
It was over before it started
If it even was after all
I thought I’ll learn to fly
I had to learn how to fall
I fell and it hurt like hell
Yet I was grateful I didn’t die
And was proud I risked it
That I dared to try
They say there’re no failures just lessons
And this sure was a lesson learned
It’s better to have heart broken
Than forever let it yearn
Here we go again. It’s time to pick up some markers and give it my best and contribute to the awesomeness that is Inktober.
I am once again sending my little friend on 31 adventures, but this time, he will get a name.
Recently, I’ve been pondering a lot about my favourite fictional character, Loki, and for a short while, I’ve had his horned helmet as a profile picture on WhatsApp. Then my friend suggested I change it as it seemed to him that God of lies isn’t something I should be worshipping, and I’ve decided (though not only for this reason) to change my picture.
Then I thought I’d name my mouse Loki, but that would be too easy and a bit sketchy, so I’ve decided to go with “Lucky”, but change the spelling to “Laki”. This way I get a Loki like sounding to his name and I keep it relatively positive as I’m trying to give my little friend better life than I normally have.
So, please welcome Laki.
Laki has brought an ancient gargoyle to his garden.
Laki is trying to practice dancing as he believes it will be needed when he finally finds his girlfriend. So far, it looks like some shy scurrying.
Laki often wishes he could be the famous Batmouse.
Laki is on the final part of Camino de Santiago and in the distance he can see Compostela. It was always his dream to complete this pilgrimage.
Laki is cosplaying the famous Slovakian robber of the rich, aka Jánošík. Though I have heard his story isn’t as romantic as some stories portray it. Just don’t tell Laki. He might throw his costume into the fire.
Laki is a good friend with Banksy. What can I say, I am jealous. But he won’t tell me who is Banksy.
Laki is a big fan of rock music. One of his favourite bands is The White Stripes. Sometimes he wishes he learned to play some instrument so he could have his own band.
Laki is not exactly a super calm mouse. He also doesn’t like losing. He is trying to not repeat his infamous smashing of his tennis racket after losing in the final match of Wimbledon. As much as he always wants to win, he needs to remember it is just a game.
Laki woke up after a terrible nightmare where he was being carried as a dead meat to the nest of young hawks. Luckily, he woke up and realised it was only a dream.
Although Laki prefers rock music, he also liked some different styles in the past and had a look to prove it.
One of Laki’s fantasies is to ride on the back of the eagle like he has seen in the Lord Of The Rings. In his normal life, he isn’t as keen on finding himself in the presence of an eagle.
Laki is upset as he forgot to charge his phone and now he is facing a daily trip without checking social media. I am sure he will survive 🙂
Laki has always believed in kindness, though he can also be an ass and forget that kindness is what he should always be choosing. But nobody is perfect, right?
Laki is always upset and sad when he goes down to his fridge in the night and finds it empty.
Laki has always been a big fan of series F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and so he is going to be a Holiday Armadillo for Halloween. PS – Happy birthday Emily!
Laki is a big sports fan, his most favourite being tennis and ice hockey. His favourite team is Anaheim Ducks.
Laki has decided to start running as he thinks he put too much extra weight on from all the cheese. Until now he didn’t realise how salty and unpleasant his sweat is and get quite annoyed when the sweat gets into his eyes. I am surprised he didn’t quit running yet.
* dedicated to Reka. Happy birthday 🙂
Laki used to ride roller-skates in the 90’s. He often scraped his knees, but he refused to wear knee protectors. He became a bit more mindful of health and safety now 🙂
When was Laki a little mouse-child he used to have a favourite My Little Pony toy. At least until it lost its tail in minor fire accident.
Laki would never miss an opportunity to play with his daggers and bluff anyone. He can’t help it being a trickster.
21. Bad Dog
Laki is always trying to be proactive and vigilant and ever since his accident with bad dog he does all he can to warn others about potential threats to their safety. He wishes he could do more, but one little mouse can only do so much. Every little helps though, right?
Couldn’t resist imagining Laki in the Matrix being Neo. I always want him to experience all the awesome things I can’t 🙂 Now if we only could find Trinity 🙂
Despite being told numerous times to not put boogers in his mouth, Laki feels always tempted to do so as according to him, they taste a bit like a mouldy cheese. Ewwwwwwwwww ….
I can’t resist to share the inspiration behind the drawing for Fairy.
It is the stunning piece The Stolen Child by McKinnon brothers, which belongs to the Kin trilogy even though it seems to be the loose extra story, slightly different to the three main fables.
Now of course Laki in the knight’s armour can’t compare to the beauty shown in the videos, so I’d love to ask you to watch the 4 stories and enjoy the brilliant storytelling of McKinnon brothers.
You’re in for a treat.
Part 1 – Kin
Part 2 – Salvage
Part 3 – Requiem
The Stolen Child
When it comes to getting cheese for free, Laki can’t really resist temptation, even when it means risk. Even high risk. Even death.
Laki always loved LEGO. He discovered a box of old lego and he couldn’t resist building himself out of it. It wasn’t exactly glorious version of himself as he imagined but it was fun. His ego wasn’t hurt in the process.
Laki is always looking forward watching his favourite show in the evening. Especially when he doesn’t forget to buy some snacks.
Laki loves being outdoors. Preferably in good weather. One of his most enjoyable moments when camping is the moment when he lights up his cigarette and sips a coffee after he got the fire going. Pure bliss.
Laki went to catch some butterflies and it looks like he wasn’t careful and ran off the cliff! Luckily, he is just a cartoon character so he will just land at the foot of the mountain, making a mouse shaped crater into the solid ground, stand up, brush off the dirt and off he goes to a new adventure! If only I could reanimate myself like this 🙂
One of the things on Laki’s bucket list was visiting the North Pole. I don’t know how, but he managed that! Good thing he had all the gear he needed as it wasn’t exactly easy. Though I don’t think he will go back there anytime soon. He prefers sun after all.
Even though Laki prefers cheese over vegetables, he still grows some veg on his farm. Usually, he exchanges the extra he doesn’t need for cheese, but I totally get that. More cheese = more happiness. I would probably do the same to be fair.
PS 1 – InkTober 2022, you were good! auf Wiedersehen!
PS 2 – Last picture for my friend Kelly. Thanks for the visit!
A few times per year I remember Zina. A girl that I cannot compare to anyone I have met. I don’t know what exactly triggers these thoughts. Perhaps as a writer and someone with tendency to overthink, I am just experiencing a random manifestation of thoughts swirling in my subconscious mind into my aware mind and they either get attention they need, or they disappear.
As I was thinking about my next post here, I thought I’ll post something about her then as it sounded like a good idea. It will allow others to see her brilliant mind and soul and I would have it saved here as a tribute to her, as she was one of my heroes. Still is actually.
I am not a huge fan of bucket lists and I refuse to make one, but I remember how I wanted to meet her one day. Until I realised, she’s dead. I felt incredibly sad that I’ll never get to ask her something or have a coffee with her.
It started with this video of her talking about her creative compulsive disorder.
I went and checked her blog,, it is still online if you want to check it out – https://normallyoddzina.wordpress.com
I really recommend reading her brilliant essays.
One thing that seems to have disappeared though, is my most favourite piece by her, essay named Contrast and Catalyst. Luckily, I’ve downloaded it at the time and it now lives on my old blog, where you can download it from.
So who exactly was Zina and why I am still enchanted by her being?
Zina, full name Zina Nicole Dembitsky Lahr, was born on 13th February 1990. She died unexpectedly on 20th November 2013, (aged 23), in a tragic accident whilst hiking trail in Ouray, in Colorado mountains. Her sister, Brie, died in a car accident 3 years before that, in December 2010 and there’s a heartfelt post on Zina’s blog dedicated to her sister.
Here is a brief excerpt of it:
Happy Birthday, Brie Michelle. Your body a vessel… Your soul beyond it. Your message true. Like messages in a bottle, we, the vessels who were touched by the story of your life, can carry it with us. The love you gave me, emotional snapshots in my heart, I keep them locked away there… and take them out from time to time to reminisce, but, even more so, in an attempt to share them with others.
Let only praises ring with every shout from my mouth… let me proclaim this life and LIVE. Oh, yes, LIVE like you showed you could. Let me be a mere vessel of the love you have carried to me… and so many others. Happy Birthday, dear sister of mine… I miss you more than ever, but I am comforted that your presence is still ever present.
You can read more of her thoughts on the blog I mentioned. I hope you will find her as inspiring and as magical as I did.
She was one of the few people I will always remember as ones that touched my soul in the way that I knew it was a gift from God. I always found her talking about this experience on Earth as a journey where she felt trapped in her body as in a vessel of sorts incredibly similar to my own feeling about it. As if bodies were only a framework around our souls, a mere point of reference so we humans can navigate through the life in physical form. It was this strangely comforting view of hers that made me love her. In the world where physical appearance is becoming more and more glorified, here was someone who didn’t challenge the idea of bodies being something that varies from person to person and shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of, shamed for, or a tool for self loathing, but someone who recognised that in a way, they are just mechanical suits for our timeless souls needed to allow us to experience life on Earth.
Of course the idea of soul being trapped in the body isn’t anything new, but the way she spoke about it, didn’t show any signs of disappointment from that fact. It seemed that she knew that one day she’ll be able to go back home. She believed in God, but she wasn’t overly religious. Yet I can say she made me believe in God more than those who speak about Him more often and with greater zealousy. She was meek in this sense and I guess God spoke through her differently. And I loved the way He spoke through her.
She definitely was a Catalyst.